There's a number of questions on OkCupid about your desire to have kids, and for the most part, I've been pretty ambivalent about it. Sure, in theory they're wonderful. Pass on your genes, take care of you when you're old, give you something to be responsible for, all that jazz. But honestly, I never saw myself as much of a mom. Ever.
Growing up I never really played "house" with my friends, and when we did, I was the Dad, or the sister, or the aunt. Never the mom. It's not that I'm not nurturing, as I think I probably have that ability, but it's just never been an innate quality.
Back when I was married, my partner and I were looking towards having kids, and had gone so far as to investigate sperm donations, work with a lawyer, and even ordered bulk ovulation testing and pregnancy testing kits from Amazon. Turns out you can get them super cheap in bulk. (Spoiler alert, no kids came out of it. The affair happened before we ordered sperm from the magic bank.)
That all seems like a lifetime away, as the thought of being responsible to a living being (besides my tomato plant) seems to inconceivably foreign to me right now.
Which is why it is so strange that when biking home tonight I saw a woman about my age, about 7 or 8 months pregnant and got an intense urge of jealousy. I can't put my finger on it- perhaps it was her rad SubPop sweatshirt, doting partner with a lustworthy red beard, or just the round pregnant belly, but something deep inside me ached to be in her position.
I pedaled onwards up Capitol Hill, reminding myself of all the reasons I've rationalized to myself against having kids. Primary in these is my lack of ability to maintain any semblance of relationship with another person, but also, climate change. Yes, that magical global warming is a big reason for me not wanting to have kids.
As much as my uterus aches to bring a baby into this world, I logically cannot fathom leaving that child to deal with the ecological wreck we've created on this planet. The last 7 months in a row have been the hottest on record, basically assuring that 2016 will be the hottest year on record. And we all know how this goes- famine, drought, war, floor, fire, etc.. Repeated cycles.
I know this seems really gloom and doom. And it totally is. I just honestly cannot imagine bringing a child into a world like this.
At least I have an adorable nephew to dote on. My sister can keep reproducing all she wants and give me all the cute nieces and nephews ever. I'll just be the best auntie.
That's Liam- my super cute new nephew.