There were multiple times this week when I thought I was going to have to put Lacey to sleep. I knew when I was adopting senior dogs that this was what I had signed up for: to give her the best days, months or years of her life that were left. But when that suddenly seemed to be here this week I selfishly wasn’t ready.
All of the pain, grief, loss, and trauma that I’ve held for the past 34 years spilled out when it became evident that she might not make it. I found myself mourning my first marriage, traumas from my childhood, and the most recent break up. So many unresolved things came to light and all I could do was cry, pet my sweet pup and tell her it was ok to go.
I think I’ve cried more this week than I have all of the last 10 years. I am cried out.
Somehow despite years of work in therapy, it took sweet Lacey potentially leaving this world to unleash all the feelings I’ve been holding back for years.
So if you see me over the next little bit and I seem a little extra, I’m feeling a lot more feelings than usual and my therapist is taking a holiday. I’m doing my best, just like we all are.
As for the pup? Well, Lacey seems to be on the mend and was even willing to venture out with me for a walk dressed in her Halloween costume. (She needs a coat, but I haven’t gotten her one yet- this seems pretty good as a replacement.)
